Do Not Set Sail, Oh Sailor!

My 6th grader brought this home from school yesterday. “I had some time after my math test and this popped out of my head. It’s a little dark…”

I’m a little confused why (and how) my 6th grader has Victorian sailor tropes popping into her head after math tests.


Do not set sail, oh sailor!
Do not set sail, oh sailor!

Do not set sail, oh sailor. Beware the seeping sin.

Do not depart on this acursed voyage, for the serpent will do you in!

The ocean yields up horrors, monsters waiting to pull you down.

As you sink, slowly suffocating, you begin to drown.

The water becoming our grave, you inch closer to death

The serpents teeth tear into your body, and you lose your final breath

So do not set sail, oh sailor. Beware the seeping sin.

Do not depart on this acursed voyage, for the serpent will do you in!

The best thing I’ve ever read?

“Alternatively, according to Clayton Swansen, a dolphin handler who worked in the Navy program between 2003 and 2005, the marine mammals are equipped with a bite plate that holds a shackle that the dolphins can use to disable an intruder. “They just hit the person in the leg and it attaches around their leg and they can’t pull it off until it sends a float up,” Swansen told Business Insider.

Bringing the Thunder

My 8th-grader banged out this poem in about 15 minutes. It’s probably the best thing you will read today.


Swiggity Swastical
My fake hand feels plastical

“But how’d you lose it?” you might wonder.
It’s story time, kids, and I’m bringing the thunder.

See, saving the galaxy’s my number one task
I fly between planets with an oxygen mask

Got in a fight with my evil jerk father
He cut off my hand, a five digit slaughter

“Rule the galaxy, as Father and Son!”
But my hand was gone so I felt done

I let go of that tiny iron pole
And fell like a rock through a high-up hole

Luckily my friend Lando caught me
Deciding to save me though before he fought me

We flew away in my homie’s ship
This was a really bogus trip

Then we went and chilled in a rebel blockade
That’s where my fake hand was made

So now you know why my hand feels dumb
But still, my story isn’t done

My homie Han got frozen stiff
And was almost thrown in a Sarlac Pit

But death never came that day
Main characters always find a way!

Away we flew at hyper speed
Freed at last from Jabba’s greed

Then we lead a final assault
The second death star had one tiny fault

We drove an entire ship inside
Launched some missles, “Open wide!”

The Death Star was reduced to pieces
Imperial plan had gone to feces

We landed, then, to celebrate
Stormtrooper meat is what we ate

Now you see why we are pros
Saving planets with my bros.

I Love You Adrienne, Happy Adrienne Day!

It’s Adrienne Day! File Feb 09, 4 53 12 PM

I was looking back though my photos to find a good picture for Adrienne Day and ended up getting lost browsing through my instagram feed and smiling at all the adventures we had this past year. We had a couple big trips and lots of little hikes and family walks and sledding and tubing, and even just hanging out in the kitchen and cooking new things together.  Between my being a Scoutmaster and a few work trips there were also a several adventures that Adrienne didn’t get to join that would have been SO much better if she were there.

I love how Adrienne is always up for an adventure and that’s she’s such good company when we are on one. She’s fun and funny and smart and curious and everything is better with her around.

Also she is hot.

Take a minute out of your busy day and wish Adrienne a happy Adrienne Day!

Previous Adrienne Days

What is Adrienne Day? I hate Valentine’s day. It is a cheesy, commercial mess of a holiday. I can’t stand it. Adrienne, on the other hand, I love. So, when we were dating and Valentine’s day was approaching I decided to take control over my own holiday destiny and I invented Adrienne Day. I arbitrarily chose February 9th and we have celebrated it ever since.

The Manchurian Candy

Swedish salty licorice is the worst candy I’ve ever had by a factor of 10. It tastes like hospital disinfectant, gunpowder, and the tears of chimney sweeps.

It’s flavored with ammonium chloride. Read this and tell me if this is a food stuff:

“The mineral is commonly formed on burning coal dumps, due to condensation of coal-derived gases. It is also found around some types of volcanic vents. It is used as a flavouring agent in some types of liquorice. It is the product from the reaction of hydrochloric acid and ammonia.”

I’m sure it’s an acquired taste, but one that must be acquired the same way the Manchurian candidate acquired his love of communism, or Alex his distaste for ultra-violence.

If I ever had to debate against Nordic Democratic Socialism I would just point to this candy and win.

I Love You Adrienne, Happy Adrienne Day!

It’s Adrienne Day!

No, we aren’t having another kid! This is just one of my very favorite pictures of us even though it is super grainy and not terribly flattering. I was thinking about all the things I love about Adrienne and this moment popped into my head. I feel like this picture is REALLY a picture of us. It captured who we are so well that I freaked out and destroyed my iPhone so it would release our souls. We were in the waiting room, waiting for what was almost certainly going to be an unwanted C-section to top off a pregnancy that had already been fraught. We were a little nervous and stressed, but we were together and we were laughing and we were ready to take on anything.

Sometimes I feel like we’ve had more than our fair share of practice with hard things in life, but the practice has paid off. When the going gets tough the Penrods will form Voltron and punch the Going right in the throat.

(If we were really Voltron we would have learned from the cartoon, and we would just immediately form the Blazing Sword and use it. It always took cartoon Voltron 45 min to figure out that they just needed to form the sword and the battle would be instantly over, just like happend the last 100 times)

This is pretty much exactly what we look like when dealing with tough situations, except Adrienne is hot.

Take a minute out of your busy day and wish Adrienne a happy Adrienne Day!

Previous Adrienne Days

What is Adrienne Day? I hate Valentine’s day. It is a cheesy, commercial mess of a holiday. I can’t stand it. Adrienne, on the other hand, I love. So, when we were dating and Valentine’s day was approaching I decided to take control over my own holiday destiny and I invented Adrienne Day. I arbitrarily chose February 9th and we have been celebrating it ever since.

I Love You Adrienne, Happy Adrienne Day!

Adrienne

It’s Adrienne Day!

The summer before Adrienne and I got engaged I was working coaching volleyball camps. I would drive or fly out to some crazy little town and spend most of the week coaching high school girls and then come home on the weekends. I ended up in some interesting places, Truth or Consequences, New Mexico being a memorable one for the name alone.

When I was in Provo I spent every minute with Adrienne. When I was at a camp I spent every non-coaching minute thinking about Adrienne. Not just thinking about hanging out with her, but thinking about spending the rest of my life with her.

When we went to these camps we usually staying in the home of a parent of someone on the team, and in Truth or Consequences I can clearly remember excusing myself one evening to go for a walk. Their home backed up into some fairly wide open desert, and I walked around in the moonlight, trying not to step on cactus, and trying to decide if I was going to ask Adrienne to marry me.

It’s funny to think back on that and try to imagine what my thought process could have possibly been. What did I know about anything? I can’t believe I had to trust that idiot kid with my future! I would barely trust Young Josh to decide what shirt to wear!

And yet, somehow, that guy made an amazing decision.

You are kind of an idiot Young Josh, but you did good on this one. You should know that it all works out WAY better than you could have imagined. You couldn’t have chosen a better wife. You love being married to Adrienne. Just tonight you were reading through your journal and smiling at how many times you wrote something about just spending time with Adrienne doing even boring stuff like chores, and how often those entries ended with “A really nice day!”

You’ve had more than your fair sure of really nice days, and you owe an awful lot of that to marrying Adrienne. You did good Josh.

Also, she is still hot.

PS – go to class you idiot!

Take a minute out of your busy day and wish Adrienne a happy Adrienne Day!

Previous Adrienne Days 1

What is Adrienne Day?

I hate Valentine’s day. It is a cheesy, commercial mess of a holiday. I can’t stand it. Adrienne, however, I love. So, when we were dating and Valentine’s day was approaching I decided to take control over my holiday destiny and I invented Adrienne Day. I arbitrarily chose February 9th and we have celebrated it ever since.

  1. I need to fix some broken images in these entries!

The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you forward this post to ten of your friends…

When email first really became a thing I would constantly get mass-forwarded emails. Do you remember those? Bill Gates wanted so badly to give me a ton of money if I would just help him track emails by forwarding them

“My name is Bill Gates. I have just written up an email-tracing program that traces everyone to whom this message is forwarded to. I am experimenting with this and I need your help. Forward this to everyone you know, and if it reaches 1,000 people, everyone on the list will receive $1,000 at my expense. Enjoy. Your friend, Bill Gates.”

I still remember a friend of a friend of a friend being getting mad at me when I sent a link showing that tampons did not, in fact, contain asbestos. Goofy political conspiracies, inspiring but not true at all stories… all sorts of things that could be disproved with a little common sense and a quick google search.

Eventually people matured enough that they stopped sending those out. Or maybe they all just got mad at me for checking Snopes and replying to their dumb email in 3 seconds and they just didn’t include me on future forwards. Luckily, whenever I get nostalgic for those days I can just go to Facebook and look at my stream.

Thanks Facebook!

I Love You Adrienne, Happy Adrienne Day!

Adrienne

It’s Adrienne Day!

OK, it’s not really Adrienne Day, but I’m going to tweak the date on this and pretend that it is. On Adrienne day I was building snow caves with Reese and the Boy Scouts and trying to make sure none of them froze to death on our winter campout. Then I came home and caught up on the sleep I didn’t get that night.

Adrienne is taking a well-deserved nap now. Really, she deserves about a month straight of them. We decided in advance, since we knew this campout was coming, to post-pone Adrienne Day. The fact that Adrienne and pretty much everyone in the house was sick made that an even easier decision. I’m excited for postponed Adrienne Day though, I have some fun things planned for her.

It’s so easy to write nice things about Adrienne. She loves everyone (and if she thinks you are lame, you should take a long hard look at yourself, because that means you are). Adrienne is sweet and nice and kind. She just absolutely IS those things. But don’t underestimate her toughness.

I love those Man vs Wild kind of survival shows and I sometimes make Adrienne watch them with me. She always says things like, “He is going to eat that snake raw and drink his own urine?! I would just die instead. There is no way I would do that!” That’s totally a lie. When the going gets tough Adrienne is actually unstoppable. I’ve seen her in the past month wracked with the flu, with pink eye caught from our germ-factory elementary school kids, eyes swollen mostly shut, and on not nearly enough sleep night after night, just go about her business dealing with whatever needs to be dealt with. She is no martyr about it, she is just tough and she is going to take care of her family no matter what.

She hasn’t worn makeup in a month, trying to avoid pink eye again, but even without makeup and with swollen eyes she is hot.

Take a minute out of your busy day and wish Adrienne a happy Adrienne Day!

Previous Adrienne Days

What is Adrienne Day?

I hate Valentine’s day. It is a cheesy, commercial mess of a holiday. I can’t stand it. Adrienne, on the other hand, I love. So, when we were dating and Valentine’s day was approaching I decided to take control over my own holiday destiny and I invented Adrienne Day. I arbitrarily chose February 9th and we have been celebrating it ever since.

Million Dollar Idea – Baby Background Checks

Think about it. We have a baby coming any day now and we are going to bring him home from the hospital and let him live in our home from now on without knowing anything about him at all! Who is this guy? He could be a total jerk and we are just going to let him move in with us?

This is a huge market. Thousands of stranger babies are born every day. Wouldn’t you sleep better knowing a little more about that little mystery man’s background?

Evolutionary Failure Part III

I just choked to death on a cherry coke and coughed it all over my office like a custom-built Cherry Coke in-office sprinkler system. It looks like I murdered an Elf in here (everyone knows they bleed cherry coke).

I Love You Adrienne, Happy Adrienne Day!

adrienne.jpg

It’s Adrienne Day!

It’s no secret that I really, really, really like Adrienne. But here is a secret; I like her even more on our fifteenth Adrienne Day then I did on the first. That sounds kind of awful doesn’t it? But it’s true. That takes nothing away from how much I liked her before, I used to like her a ten. It’s just that, here we are, both with a little gray in our hair (her’s is cute), and I’ve found out this Like goes to eleven.

I couldn’t be happier/luckier/more blessed to be married to her.

Also, she is hot.

Take a minute out of your busy day and wish Adrienne a happy Adrienne Day with a comment!

Previous Adrienne Days

What is Adrienne Day?

I hate Valentine’s day. It is a cheesy, commercial mess of a holiday. I can’t stand it. Adrienne, on the other hand, I love. So, when we were dating and Valentine’s day was approaching I decided to take control over my own holiday destiny and I invented Adrienne Day. I arbitrarily chose February 9th and we have been celebrating it ever since.

FT.com / FT Magazine – Don’t touch me, I’m British

But though Americans won’t touch strangers, they will talk to them. They will chat to people at neighbouring tables in restaurants, or in line at the supermarket. That conversation doesn’t turn the speakers into friends – a mistake Europeans sometimes make. Generalising grossly: to Americans, conversation doesn’t imply intimacy.

Applying Carroll’s theories to Britons, you understand why foreigners think we are repressed. Americans won’t touch strangers, the French won’t talk to them, but Brits will neither touch nor talk to them. Passport to the Pub, a semi-official guide for foreign tourists to the UK, warns: “Don’t ever introduce yourself. The ‘Hi, I’m Chuck from Alabama’ approach does not go down well in British pubs.”

via FT.com / FT Magazine – Don’t touch me, I’m British.