Now, Al Jazeera, I am not an expert on constructing unbiased surveys, but aren’t “cold-blooded murder” and “justified” mutually exclusive?

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Also, unless you want to be lumped in with the Weekly World News, maybe you shouldn’t have Conspiracy Theories be one of main links on your homepage?

From: josh Date: Wed Aug 13, 2003 11:17:55 AM US/Mountain To: buzz.heidt@thepenrodcompany.com Subject: Corporate Figurehead Position

Dear Buzz Heidt, President of The Penrod Company

After looking at your board of directors on your website I notice there are no Penrods. The Penrod Corporation without a Penrod is like KFC without the Colonel (I am of course referring to the old Colonel, not the new “funkified” Colonel, who they may in fact be better off without). You are in luck. I am a Penrod, I will be your Colonel. Once again the Penrod Corporation can stand proud with a Penrod corporate figurehead.

I look terrific in a suit. I am 6’6“, and in a suit I am a commanding presence. I would be willing to wear a white Colonel-Sanders suit if you would like. In fact, I would prefer that. Imagine me marching about shouting orders in a white suit. I might occasionally bellow and wave my arms (while still looking very dignified). I think you are seeing the vision now.

An added bonus is that I am a twin. My brother and I could make simultaneous appearances. While he was visiting the factory in Virginia, I could be on the French Riviera. Also, in dangerous situations, firing unstable people for example, Joe demands to take my place. He prefers not to talk about this so don’t pester him with the details, just send him instead of me.

I am not really sure what the going rate for a corporate figurehead is, but I trust you will make a fair offer and that it will, of course, include a private helicopter.

Looking forward to hearing from you, ”Colonel“ Josh Penrod

PS. I have to say that I think you have gotten as far as you have with no corporate figurehead based on the strength of your name. Buzz Heidt. That is a powerful CEO name. Kudos.

Dear photos.com,

A couple of questions about your service. When looking at the search results for the phrase, “old man face”, is it normal for coworkers to walk by and think you are looking at ?*

Second, when searching for “middle-aged woman face” I think you accidentally gave me the results for ““*.

It is very possible that I have more demanding expectations for search accuracy than your average user, but I am pretty sure that my employer was expecting me to find old men and middle-aged lady faces

Was that not actually a search box, but some kind of random photo haiku generator? If so, I apologize. If not, for the good of both or our jobs, may I suggest you look into adding an ‘advanced search’ to your site?

Thank you so much,
Josh

*I had to encode those phrases with javascript so amishrobot wouldn’t be crushed with traffic from search engines.

Dear Carl’s Jr,
2 steps to success:

1. Bring back those old crinkly fries.
2. Fire Satan, who you have obviously hired to do your advertising. Your commercials have destroyed any desire I ever had to eat your food.

Sincerely,
Josh Penrod

I got my haircut today.

The girl cutting my hair washed it with Paul Mitchell Tea Tree Oil Shampoo. I could feel her every breath on my scalp for the next hour.

Now, I don’t want to debate the merits of tea tree oil with anyone. We will all just assume what I assume—it is a chemical irritant put in the shampoo to make you think it is doing something. What is it with that “The tingling means it’s working!” concept in product marketing? When I take antibiotics I don’t feel ripped-off if it doesn’t tingle. “Damn, that penicillin is worthless! I didn’t feel a thing!”

Since people apparently believe it, I have no choice but to capitalize on it. Next month I am going to introduce my new, “Penrod’s Eye-drops with habanero extract™—The searing pain means it’s working!©”

I will be flying to the Washington DC area on what promises to be the eve of war with Iraq. Out of courtesy to my fellow passengers, this letter:

Dear Fellow Passengers,

We will be flying together at a time when the threat of terrorism will be high. We will also be flying to a high-risk destination.

Let’s try not to be rude to each other even though we will all be a little nervous.

Thank you
Josh Penrod

P.S. If any of you weasels so much as stand up to take a leak during the flight, I will tear your arms off and beat you with them.

Dear American Restaurants,

If I walk into your establishment and you are serving “Freedom Fries“, I am going to give you a “Freedom Kick In the Groin”™ .

Sincerely,
Josh Penrod

P.S. You are getting better. The last time you tried to capitalize on strife it was much more crass. At least now you are just stupid. Improvement!

In an attempt to make my little corner of cyberspace a bit safer I have redesigned the site. I believe this will render me safe from all chemical weapons, hacks, viruses, and denial of service attacks.

I did this in about 10 minutes (I was a little anxious), so expect further refinements to my defenses over the next few days.

(to add context for when the site changes some day, the header became a piece of duct tape with “ready for anything” on it.)

From: josh penrod
Sent: Friday, February 21, 2003 11:23 PM
To: info@colgate.com
Subject: Herbal White Beaver

Dear Colgate,

I just saw your commercial featuring “Mr. Beaver” and I am concerned.

Correct me if I am wrong here, but it seems fairly obvious that the campaign was created by the 10 year old nephew of someone in the marketing department in exchange for a piece of gum. If so, you were ripped off.

I pray that I am right, because if I am wrong that means you actually paid an advertising agency to create this garbage.

My suggestion, get your gum back and dump the beaver. I feel qualified to tell you this because:

1. I have teeth
2. I have an I.Q. over 12

Thank you
Josh Penrod

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