Date: Wed Aug 13, 2003 11:17:55 AM US/Mountain
Subject: Corporate Figurehead Position
Dear Buzz Heidt, President of The Penrod Company
After looking at your board of directors on your website I notice there are no Penrods. The Penrod Corporation without a Penrod is like KFC without the Colonel (I am of course referring to the old Colonel, not the new “funkified” Colonel, who they may in fact be better off without). You are in luck. I am a Penrod, I will be your Colonel. Once again the Penrod Corporation can stand proud with a Penrod corporate figurehead.
I look terrific in a suit. I am 6’6“, and in a suit I am a commanding presence. I would be willing to wear a white Colonel-Sanders suit if you would like. In fact, I would prefer that. Imagine me marching about shouting orders in a white suit. I might occasionally bellow and wave my arms (while still looking very dignified). I think you are seeing the vision now.
An added bonus is that I am a twin. My brother and I could make simultaneous appearances. While he was visiting the factory in Virginia, I could be on the French Riviera. Also, in dangerous situations, firing unstable people for example, Joe demands to take my place. He prefers not to talk about this so don’t pester him with the details, just send him instead of me.
I am not really sure what the going rate for a corporate figurehead is, but I trust you will make a fair offer and that it will, of course, include a private helicopter.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
”Colonel“ Josh Penrod
PS. I have to say that I think you have gotten as far as you have with no corporate figurehead based on the strength of your name. Buzz Heidt. That is a powerful CEO name. Kudos.