Damn You, Thomas Edison

I am sure most of you saw this news story a while back. Residents of the Sicilian town of Canneto di Caronia had been complaining about strange electrical disturbances. They were troubled by televisions, vacuum cleaners and other electrical appliances bursting into flame. In one instance a heap of wedding presents burst into flames and burnt down a house. At first glance the wedding present pile would seem anonomolous, being a stack of presents, and not electrical appliances, but, being wedding presents, roughly 3/4ths of the pile would have consisted of crock pots and can openers.

Electricity to the town was shut off, but other things began to catch on fire, like sofas. When the town was evacuated there were no more fires. Well, except for the few times when people went back to visit, then things burned again. Also, many of the burned things showed evidence of tampering. This mystery appeared easy to solve—arson.

Not so fast! Quoth the Vatican’s most senior exorcist:

“Why electric appliances in particular?

It’s typical. The Devil often reveals his presence through electric devices. I have seen televisions, dishwashers, washing machines, and even telephones burst into flames—in short, anything that operates electrically.”
Father Gabriele Amorth, honorary president of the International Association of Exorcists

OK, so even after reading Father Amorth’s odd take on the situation I was still convinced that what we were dealing with was a bunch of idiots burning things and even bigger idiots believing Satan was attacking the town via its powerlines.

Then this arrived in the mail:

Lightning Reaction Game

Lightning Reaction, sent to me as a “gift” from my brother Richard. I was already scared of Richard before he sent this to me. You should be as well. I could keep Amishrobot updated regularly for the next six years just telling Richard stories. I won’t because I am not sure the statute of limitations has run out yet.

There was a note from Richard, “You will either love this or hate this.” Father Amorth would translate this as, “I, Richard, am an agent of Darkness. I will laugh as this game consumes your soul.”

The object of the “game” is to be the first to push your button when the music stops and the light turns green. If you are the last to press your button the game shocks the living hell out of you and you twitch and flail like you have just shoved your finger into an outlet and your skeleton flashes on and off through your blackened silhouette like a neon sign. Lightning bolts are called from the sky and your entire body is engulfed in flames while satanic peals of laughter ring out.

I have only played the game a few times and I have already developed a conditioned response to the music it plays. I am not embarrassed to say that every time I hear it I weep and wet my pants. Father Amorth, I’m a believer!

Here is the music, it’s kind of quiet, so crank your volume for the full effect. Also, for full effect, when it gets to the horrible buzzing noise at the end you should hook your car’s jumper cables to your finger tips.

If I could go back in time I would punch Ben Franklin, Thomas Edison, and Nikola Tesla right in the neck.

To avoid conducting Evil through my home (and hands) I am no longer going to use electrical devices of any kind. From now on Amishrobot will be delivered to your home on a paper scroll via pigeon. I will set up a P.O box where you can mail your comments.

11 responses for Damn You, Thomas Edison

  1. cooper says:

    All hail the pigeon express!

  2. andrew says:

    Holy…please post a video of you playing…

  3. martin says:

    I think you are unknowingly taking part in a study testing whether people will shock themselves just because a family member gave them a gift. Stanley Milgram would be proud.

    Also your decision to now go analog will no doubt provide ample fodder for AR updates. I think computers that use vinyl records for data could be the future. However most people will want electrity to power the turntable – unless you can connect it to some sort of windmill.

  4. shawn says:

    I know this is lame, but it has to be said….


  5. rob says:

    I have an idea, how about a game that shocks you repeatedly to get you to update your blog more frequently. I’m all for that.

  6. JOE says:

    Yeah, I want a video clip of you playing this thing! No editing it either, if you cry or wet your pants, then you cry and wet your pants! (Not that I really want to see you wet your pants. I’ve already seen you cry quite a bit though. Mostly when we had our epic battles, but once in awhile when you heard a beautiful bird song or saw a rose with dew drops on it.)

  7. paul says:

    hahaha thats hilarious to say the least. its shock therapy!!!11one

  8. have an idea, how about a game that shocks you repeatedly to get you to update your blog more frequently.

    that is worth donating for ;)

  9. BG says:

    Hahahaha, I miss all this humor! It was fun at BYU with you guys. See you at the reunion!!

  10. TabathaOster says:

    Awesome blog. Peace out until next time TabathaOster

  11. Maria Mayer says:

    Dissapointed and sad at seeing that not once, never, does somebody agree with me in my dislike for Thomas Edison’s invention, the lightbulb. With this post “Damn Eddison” I thought that for once I had found a kindred soul who loves natural light, natural darkness, and despises electronic gadgets… but nooooo