Angst In My Pants
If you have ever wanted to make an estimate of how many people will be in Hell, let me help–start by counting the landlords, insurance agencies, and movie theater concession stand price-setters.
I went to the movies the other day and noticed that a large drink is now $165. A small popcorn is $39.95. This is why I don’t feel guilty sneaking food into theaters. In fact, I think I could fire-bomb the concession stand on the way to my seat and not feel a thing.
Has anyone ever been caught sneaking-in food? Even my most half-hearted attempts have been successful. I am pretty sure I could balance an overflowing basket of candy on my head like an Indian woman bearing goods to the market and no one would notice. That being said, let me tell you one way NOT to smuggle food into the theater.
Disclaimer
This is a heartbreaking and frightening tale, and I will be using the word “testicles” at least twice. If this is too much for you, please leave now.
Still with me? Ok, Let’s continue.
Leaving the grocery store, on the way to the movie, I realized I was not wearing clothes that facilitated the hiding of candy. For the record, this was several years ago–I believe I was 21 (and obviously brilliant). I had a can of soda and a bag of Sour Patch Kids from one of those bulk-candy bins. I took the can of soda and dropped it in the candy bag and then slid the bag down inside the front of my pants. If anyone noticed, what could they say?
Pleased with myself, I strolled conspicuously past the ticket-taker and into the theater. I retrieved the bag of candy and the soda can and sat down to enjoy the movie.
It wasn’t long before I started to feel a strange itchy sensation in my crotch. I tried to ignore it and watch the movie, but the itching increased and turned into a burning that left me squirming and my forehead sweating. It felt like my testicles were on fire, and I had no clue why. What disease had I contracted from sitting in the movie theater?! Can you get the clap from sitting on an upholstered chair?!
Abandoning any pretense of decorum (much as I have done here by writing about my testicles) I reached down my pants to see if I had somehow caught fire. Surprisingly, instead of hot coals, I found what felt like beach sand. No, not beach sand…Sour Patch Kid acid-sugar! My underwear was full of citric acid!
Apparently the bag of candy had a hole in the corner which funneled Sour Patch death-sugar into my underwear. I had not imagined that sour-sugar could burn your flesh like a blowtorch. It can.
I was now at the point of crying like a baby, so I left my seat and tried not to sob too loudly as I made my way out of the theater. I hurried to the bathroom where I grabbed a couple handfulls of wet paper towels and gave myself a desperate sponge-bath in the stall. Now mostly sugar-free, but surely having lost several years of my life, I returned to my seat where I watched the rest of the movie rocking back and forth in the fetal position.
If any of you have ever thought, “Those sour candies sure look good! I bet they would be terrific on my testicles.”–I am begging you,don’t do it, IT IS HELL!
Ok, that’s a good story — but let me tell you what you REALLY should avoid. I put myself through college by working construction in the summers. So you know the morning break and lunch trucks would swing by with food, etc.
One morning I decided I was pretty hungry and bought some eggs ranchero or juevo or something like that. They actually tasted pretty good – they keep them warm/fresh/clean by putting plastic wrap on the top.
Well, I had an itch on the corner of my eye and so scratched it. Turns out the plastic wrap had jalepeno juice left on it, which was transferred to my finger, and then to my eye. I wanted to cry and scream and gouge out my eye all at the same time.
Don’t try that at home!
Do not, under any circumstances put Icy Hot on your own underwear. Make sure it is your buddies.
John–but have you ever put jalepeno juice on your testicles?
Martin–words to live by!
I think I was at that movie with you. It’s still funny. I’m sure no one has ever been caught sneaking in candy, at least not punished. I once walked into a theater holding a 2 pound bag of gummy worms and a soda. I then stood square in front of the snack stand holding it all in plain view while looking for my then girlfriend. I didn’t remember that I had been planning to hide the candy stash until I caught a snack bar employee staring at me in disbelief. So, I smiled, shrugged, and walked into my movie. No consequences.
Ouch!
It is easy to sneak candy into the movies. What would be more compelling is some sort of contest to find the person who could sneak in the snack with the least amount of clothing. Just try getting concessions into the theatre buck naked. Now that would be impressive…(insert Hot Dog joke here).
Maybe not so much buck naked, but wearing a speedo, cowboy boots, and really huge sunglasses. Or maybe one of those full length skin tight spandex suits with a Van Gogh picture imprinted on it, along with a belt and huge buckle and a novelty oversize foam cowboy hat? This would be a really neat game. You start out carrying in small things, licorice, bubble gum, and you keep getting crazier until at last you must sneak in the hotdog.
I was listening to Vaughn J. Featherstone once and he told us this story of giving a talk after recently using a toilet that still had plenty of cleaning chemicals on it. At the podium his sweat activated the anticorrosives and acid. I believe it ended with him squeeling like a little school girl. This story is especially relevant because I believe that when the chemical company makes the cleaner they get empty bulk bags of sour patch kids (but full of the fun leftover white caustic stuff)and sprinkle it into the cleaner for extra oomph. Caustic… Caustic Kids, that’s sort of catchy.
Well, as a former movie theater employee, I can say that we really didn’t care. We realized that it was unfair to ask people to keep things out of the theater so we just asked them not to take glass containers in with them and to at least cart out what they took in.
Legally, the movie theaters are just standing on their policy that they can refuse service to anyone. There is no legal precedence for keeping food out of the theater. They just want to gouge you.
So I let people in with pizzas, footlong sandwiches, buckets of KFC, and a squirming puppy-dog. All of these items were “hidden” underneath coats and sweaters. But when you have a large square growth under your coat and you reek like pepperoni, you’re not fooling anyone.
My policy was, if the theater wants me to keep food out, then I had better be making more than minimum wage.
P.S. My friend Charles polished off a bag of firey hot Cheetos before heeding nature’s call. I think he knows your pain, Josh
I was once at a movie where the people in front of me were asked by an usher to please leave because they brought outside food. They made them ultimately throw the food away or leave, they threw the food away. Living in Minnesota has taught me new ways on how people could be cheap. One of my wife’s cousins sneaks a popcorn bag in the theatre and then, after the movie starts, goes to the concesion stand and asks for her free refil. She didn’t take to kindly to me whn I told her that she was a thief, her excuse was that “they never said refills only on this visit.” Anyway, the best movie food is Hot Tamales, the candy not real tamales that are hot, they are not as loud as nachos, you don’t need as many napkins as you do with popcorn, they aren’t gross like sour patch kids, and they taste better than dehydrated walleye.
I cried ’til I laughed. Or vice versa. I’m sitting in a BYU computer lab reading your masterpiece, and people are glaring at me for my involuntarily animated reaction. Thanks for helping me achieve outcast status!
i once went in as pringle man, i stuffed containers of pringles anywhere i could, i looked ridiculous but they let me in anyway.
About the Hot Tamales: These silent-but-deadly candies have been known to cause extreme flatulence, particularly when consumed in large quantities. In my family we call them “Toot Tablets” or other witty names along those lines. I can’t decide which would be worse: the citric acid in your shorts, or trying to hold in 18 cubic yards of compressed toots for 2 hours + previews. Both make me squirm at the thought…
I love the new title. Even better. And now that song is stuck in my head. Thanks for saving me from the song from the Target wedding commercial, which is what it replaced. (Though that song isn’t bad, it just drives me nuts because the only words I know are the snippets from the commercial.) (Can you tell I was an advertising major?)
This is on of the funniest stories I’ve heard in a long time. Thanks, I needed the laugh!!
John
Hahaha. This is all weirdness. And i was uber bored so i just stumbled upon this site. Where i live, you’re allowed to take any food into a movie which makes this story even weirder. heh. See ya round, people.
Yes, sneaking food in is easy. Here’s a challenge: rather than sneaking in food while wearing the least clothing, how about sneaking in the most elaborate food? Can you and your buddies set up a fondue pot? Cook some burgers? How about sneaking in a multi-level wedding cake? Now there’s a challenge!
Brilliant!
Hey, Adrienne, do you know what the song from the Target commercial is??? I am looking for it desperately. Please help.
Hey, Dee…are you talking about that Target commercial with the song “New Toy” by Lene Lovich?
While down in Louisiana this last winter, a client treated my colleague and I to a real southern dinner, including crawfish…with a myriad of spices that get all over your fingers. Now my point: I walked into the restroom in this restaurant and saw a sign, that I don’t think I will ever see again, that read: Please wash your hands BEFORE you use the restroom.
The theatre here also owns a pizza place, so they allow you to bring their pizzas into the theatre.
Remember the Stephen Wright joke? “The last time I went to the movies, I was thrown out for bringing my own food. I argued that the concession stand prices were outrageous! Besides, I hadn’t had a barbeque in a long time.”
Last week we arrived at the movie theater much later than we expected, because it wasn’t fully clear in my mind that Jordan Landing was not the same place as Jordan Commons. I had been urgently hungry since before we left home, so skipping the dinner we’d planned to eat before the show was not an option. Despite the weakness of my attempt at hiding the large styrofoam food service box with my dinner in it behind my husband’s back, the lady taking tickets seemed completely oblivious! (Chris’ comment may shed some light on that.) Imagine my amazement! Imagine the possibilities! I’ve brought in candy in a handbag before, but this was my first time with anything substantial. My first, but probably not my last. After once knowing the pleasure of sitting in a darkly lit theater whilst enjoying a meal both tasty and reasonably-priced, there’s no going back.
Running through my head now, thanks to your entry title: “Oh baby, hold me tight. Just pretend I’m Sherlock Holmes . . . “
OK … I’m fully aware that this thread was died and buried months ago … but I thought you’d find a post at another blog of interest, since it is by a dollar-theater owner who objects to people sneaking food in. I’m trying to hook you two up and start a good fight. :)
http://nine-moons.blogspot.com/2004/09/is-it-dishonesty-or-just-mormon.html
Er, I meant to write “was dead”
I’m the theater owner Danithew spoke of, and yes I do object to people bringing in outside food. You pay for a ticket to watch the movie not have a picnic on my property.
If you don’t like the snack bar prices, then don’t buy at the snack bar….but don’t be dishonest and decietful by bringing in outside food.
Give me a break, you pay $1.00 to get into my theater and then say you can’t afford snack bar prices. Would people come if we changed $10.00 admission and then gave them a free bucket of popcorn, a large drink and candy?
Actually the answer to that is no! We have run specials where the whole family can get in for $10.00 and that includes free popcorn and that doesn’t keep people from bringing in outside food!
The guilt I feel for being “dishonest and decietful” is immense. I have stoppped digesting on theater property entirely. I feel that having food in my stomach is similarly dishonest and may stop me from buying $10 soft drinks.
I would suggest this change to your policy. Completely ban anyone from attending your movies if they are unwilling to pay your snack prices. Since I am not going to buy your outrageously priced food, whether or not I bring some snacks of my own, I should not be allowed to circumvent your business model.
Anyway, If it makes you feel any better, I can’t remember the last time I went to a dollar movie. And reread my post on the subject, clearly I was struck down for my dishonesty and deciet. A learning experience for all theater goers.
!!!Whoa!!! … I was only joking when I said I wanted to start a fight between you guys. I thought you’d find each others posts interesting. My bad. My apologies. :)
When tongue in cheek humor meets pharisees the results are unpredictable.
;)
Both your posts were so interesting I had to write my own about this little adventure. I simply titled it: “I Started A Fight.”