Sometime during March Madness (I make my bracket off of arbitrary factors each year, such as logo quality or mascots) I went down a rabbithole of sports mascots. I emerged a worse person in many regards, and now I’m here to inflict that on you. The mascots are from all sorts of sports — basketball, football, baseball, hockey — but they’ll be mashed together. Enjoy!
Mascots Who Frighten the Masses (On Purpose.)
Gritty
The mascot of the Philadelphia Flyers hockey team, Gritty is best described as a muppet from hell. According to official Philly Flyers lore, Gritty was found beneath the stadium one year when they were doing renovations, and has been on the rink ever since. He’s a bright orange thing with “non-blinking googly eyes” (according to the Flyers website) and a penchant for violence. (“Embodying the spirit of Philadelphia”, as the website calls it.) Where other mascots are known to do acrobatic tricks or hype up the crowd, Gritty is known for wading into the audience to throw popcorn at people, fight children, and harass bald people.
He’s best known for threatening to kill the Penguins mascot on his first day on the job, his absolutely unhinged aura, and becoming one of the best-known mascots of all time.
My personal thoughts? Gritty embodies one of the two zones a mascot should fall into: you can either be fun and cool, or you can be the most bizarre thing in the room. Gritty is a certified freak, and that is exactly what a mascot should be. He knows he’s insane. He wants to be. I can respect it.
Fin the Whale
This mouth-agape orca is the mascot of the Vancouver Canucks. Fin isn’t too threatening, but he does have one gimmick that puts him in this category on the list: Fin has a habit of eating babies and children.
Actually, it seems that Fin’s head is engineered specifically so that he can bite literally every single person in the arena.
Combined with his glassy eyes gazing ever towards the horizon, I have to imagine the Canucks knew at least a little that they were engineering a baby-eating terror, and I can respect that. The fact that his official page says “his trademark move consists of steam emitting from his blowhole and the chomping of unsuspecting heads” is just the nail in the coffin. Or the whale tooth in the baby head, as it were.
Do I like him? Yes. Do I like him as much as gritty? No. A solid middle pass.
Phillie Phanatic
I’m starting to think Philadelphia is the breeding ground for chaos gods disguised as mascots. This furry green tube-mouthed being is Phillie Phanatic, whose canon lore lists him as a flightless bird from the Galapagos islands. This lore also tells us that his favorite food is cheesesteaks, his favorite movie is Rocky, and apparently a lot of fans think he’s an anteater.
I’ve learned that, alarmingly, he has a long extendable pink tongue that shoots out of his trumpet-shaped beak hole (which explains the anteater confusion, I suppose) and that somehow he’s developed a reputation for being something of a sex icon. (I chose not to follow that particular point any further.)
Apparently he likes looking like this, because 2021 saw a lawsuit when the Phillies tried to redesign him to look like an actual bird. There was outrage, suing, and the eventual decision that The Phanatic would stay just as he is.
My thoughts? This thing is an acid trip, designed by two creators who worked with the muppets. I think he’s great! Not nearly as chaotic as some of the others on this list, but we respect him regardless.
Slider
This thing is Slider, who proudly holds the official title of “Worst Mascot in the MLB”. I didn’t make that up, that came from an actual vote. Unsurprisingly, this polka dot-riddled creature was created by one of the collaborators behind The Phanatic, which I think explains a lot about his particular tastes.
Apparently, they teased the release of this mascot by having a big animal crate labelled “do not open” on the field for a month, before finally opening it to reveal Slider during a game. Combined with the fact that Slider’s team, the Indians, were losing the game quite badly, the reception was less than warm. Slider was pelted with peanuts.
His woes were far from over — he’s most famous for his unintentional stunt in 1995, where he fell off of the outfield wall and was rushed to the hospital. Luckily, this won him some pity points, and slowly he began to amass an audience. Now he’s very well-liked, diseased polka dots and all.
My personal opinion? I think he’s hideous. I understand that he’s meant to invoke a sense of strangeness, but even The Phanatic has a backstory about what he supposedly is. There’s only one Slider, according to his creator, and I’m very glad for that.
Mascots Who Frighten the Masses (On Accident.)
The King Cake Baby
If you shrieked and threw your device across the room, I don’t blame you. This haunted baby doll with adult arms and legs is the King Cake Baby, a travesty that terrorizes the Pelicans’s basketball court. Apparently, he’s a “co-mascot” alongside the Pelicans’s far more normal mascot Pierre T. Pelican.
If you ask me, his jaw is a little unsettling, especially if viewed from head-on, but he’s practically My Little Pony in comparison to whatever demonic entity wears the suit of the King Cake Baby.
What a duo.
Apparently, if you want to give an event some PTSD flair, you can actually book this thing for appearances at parties. He doesn’t run cheap, but then again, neither do therapy bills. If you book this guy, you pay the price is more ways than one.
If you’re wondering, this baby-shaped war crime is supposed to be a reference to the Mardi Gras tradition of eating a king cake — within which is hidden a small plastic baby. Personally, if something resembling King Cake Baby showed up in my food, I would go into cardiac arrest. You do you, New Orleans.
New Orleans doesn’t have a stellar record when it comes to mascots. Pierre was once an abomination himself: which is probably why he was hastily redesigned the way he is today. If you’re wondering what the old Pierre looks like, look no further, but be warned. His sickly greenish feathers and drooping eyelids, combined with his welcoming arms and gaping mouth, make him a nightmare worthy of being King Cake Baby’s predecessor.
My personal opinion is that mascots shouldn’t make your kids cry, but what do I know?
Raider Rusher
It’s rare for a mascot to have not one but two horrifying forms, but somehow Raider Rusher delivers. You can choose between two flavors: this giant bobblehead on legs, or the more human version, boasting a grimace worthy of a botoxed politician.
The mascot hall of fame only sums him up in one word: Unique.
As far as I can tell, he has no fan page, no wiki, and nothing other than a few haunting photos, including one that is apparently sourced from Raider Rusher attending a military memorial. (Grin firmly in place.)
Suppressing a giggle at the thought of the dead. Real classy, Raider Rusher.
Whatever the case, this chiseled head the size of a small country is certainly a mascot. That’s about as nice as I can get with it. He brings to mind the mental image of being kicked in the butt so hard that his torso crumpled into his neck, leaving this Heavy Metal Mike Wazowski in its place.
My personal thoughts are that Raider Rusher is nothing short (well, maybe everything short) of a frightening attempt at appealing to the masses. He’s locked away firmly in Las Vegas, where much of the other sins of the populace reside.
The Coyote
Known simply as “The Coyote”, this bug-eyed menace is a shudder-inducing critter, to say the least. Why the exclamation point on his jersey? Why the tuft of black hair resting on his eyes? Why the chipmunk cheeks? Why the two massive, detailed peepers glaring right into my soul?
My personal plan is to make The Coyote and King Cake Baby fight to the death, preferably where neither of them survive. This felt-covered fever dream belongs in the pits of the underworld, where I’m pretty sure he came from.
Boltman
I won’t lie, I saw Boltman and I flinched. His teeth are a mesh grid, his face is twisted into a grin of malicious proportions, and his head is both somehow shaped like a lightning bolt and yet uncannily human.
He got an update in 2013 to make his teeth marginally less scary, but looking like a caricature of The Rock doesn’t help if you’re a yellow lightning man grinning like there’s no tomorrow.
The lore behind this character is even worse: technically he was never legally accepted by the team; the character was started by a superfan who has haunted the stadium ever since.
This is a Human Man (Uncanny or Otherwise)
Rowdy
If you ever wondered what it would look like for Lucky the Leprechaun to become a muscular football player, today is your lucky day. Something about his dimples and open mouth rub me the wrong way, but what really freaks me out about human mascots is the felt skin. (My personal theory is that this is what cabbage patch dolls grow up to be.)
Rowdy’s bio lists his height as “tall drink of water,” his weight “1 Arling-ton,” and his hobbies as “lifting weights and horsing around”.
The Cowboys certainly have their hands full with this unstoppable giant cowboy who weighs a literal ton and has no limits. I don’t envy them. That said, I’d prefer Rowdy over the next entry on this list.
Pat Patriot
This is Pat Patriot, the square-jawed monstrosity that inflicts itself upon the Patriots. If his intense eyebrows and lack of lower teeth don’t scare you, his habit of sprinting down the field like the British are coming just might.
The only thing I can imagine coming out of his distended mouth is a garbled and evil chuckle, if not maybe the arm of a desperate victim trying to escape being eaten.
Perhaps more terrifying than Rowdy’s bio, Pat Patriot’s bio puts his height as “head and shoulders above the competition,” his weight as “100% muscle,” and his favorite song as “Crazy Train”. He was also apparently born in 1776, meaning that as of now we can assume Pat here is immortal, which is alarming in and of itself. He is unkillable and unrestrained. Save yourselves!
Lucky the Leprechaun
See, there’s nothing hideous about having a regular human as your mascot. By all accounts, this is a very normal man! But the horror comes from the fact that the Mascot Hall of Fame lists most human mascots as “human,” but lists Lucky here as “Live Human”. The implications are grim, to say the least.
That said, I don’t enjoy his habit of sticking his tongue out, and I certainly don’t enjoy the thought of a mascot being able to change their expression. You pick a wall-eyed grin or grimace and you stick with it!
Steely McBeam
Gigachad simpsons character come to life, Steely McBeam is listed as “taller than steel,” whatever that means, and his hobby is simply “working out.” This seems to be a theme with human mascots, even if some of them are bright yellow instead of flesh-toned.
He’s not quite as scary as many other humans, but I still don’t trust him.
So Unhinged It Warps Right Back Into Being Amazing
G-Wiz
This fuzzy blue weirdo is G-Wiz, mascot of the Wizards. Is he a wizard? Unclear. Is he wildly entertaining? Very. His bio tells us that “opposing teams see him as a menace,” and that he’s an avid sneakerhead. Apparently he has themed sneakers for each game!
Most importantly, G-Wiz is apparently a father.
I just like his strange mannerisms and mild expression — plus, I enjoy the fact that his hat seems to be growing out of his eyes. Amazing.
The Gorilla
Naturally, the mascot of the Phoenix Suns is The Gorilla! A shockingly realistic gorilla, this ape spends his time dunking through flaming hoops or being weirdly seductive.
Hmm.
Anyway, he has a host of entertaining gimmicks, most hilariously being making fun of the other teams. He’s been known to cover himself in garbage and get beat up by muggers when the Suns are facing off against New York, or to dress up like opposing team’s coaches and imitate them.
Luckily he’s fun now, but back in the day he was in fact very scary.
Yeesh.
I enjoy him a lot, and I wish him a long and fulfilling career.
Burnie
If Beaker from the muppets had a giant, basketball-loving cousin, it would be Bernie. A sentient flame with a bright green basketball for a nose, Burnie is weird and delightful.
He doesn’t have a perfectly clean history, however — apparently he once almost went to jail for 20 years after pulling a woman from the crowd and dancing with her on the court. She fell, and then Burnie found out that this was in fact the wife of a federal judge. He was nearly charged with aggravated assault, which wouldn’t look good on anyone’s record.
Still, design-wise, he gets a pass.
Youppi!
Youppi! (exclamation point included) is what I can only assume to be Gritty’s mild-mannered father, or perhaps Gritty before he fell into a vat of chemicals. Whatever the case, he’s not quite human (note the furry body) but not quite animal (note the human nose and beard.) Whatever he is, I enjoy his face.
The other thing I enjoy about Youppi! is that he was once a baseball mascot, but got traded to hockey and has been there ever since. He wears exclamation points instead of numbers on his jersey, and was apparently the only mascot in the MLB (back in the day) to be kicked out of the stadium for rowdy misconduct. Not that you’d guess it, based on his face.
Just Plain Lame
Buoy
This is Buoy. I hate Buoy. Why would a team called the Kraken have a “sea troll” for a mascot? Because of the famous troll statue in the city, I guess, (which I have visited, I might add) but that’s still not a pass. Something about the ragged hair, single earring, missing teeth, and confusing feet just rubs me the wrong way. Creepy? No. Cute? No. Fun? No.
Buoy has fallen into the exact worst spot for a mascot to be: lame.
Especially disappointing given how good at design the Kraken are. (Not good at hockey, I fear.)
Chuck the Condor
By all accounts, Chuck is well-designed. His suit is proportional, his head isn’t too big or too small…but the fact that he’s bald is doing a lot of heavy lifting against him. I also don’t know how to feel about his jersey number being 213: surely there can’t be that many Clippers.
I think the problem is similar to Buoy: I look at Chuck and I just don’t feel anything. Tragic.
Mr Met
I don’t think he’s ugly, but he’s certainly not exciting. I really don’t have anything to say about Mr Met, other than he looks like he’s more cut out for paying taxes and mowing lawns than he is for the “fast” life of baseball. Especially in a game as…drawn out as baseball is, you need an exciting mascot! Mr Met is decidedly not.
Cutie Patootie!
Dinger
Obviously I’m biased because I love dinosaurs, but I love a mascot that acknowledges a team’s history in a fun way. When Dinger’s home stadium was being constructed, the diggers found a 7-foot triceratops skull in the ground! Making your mascot a triceratops is only fitting. Plus, I like his happy eyes and vintage Disney looks.
Dinger also wins points in my book by being known to hang out with elementary school kids to promote reading, and for dancing behind the opposing team’s pitchers to try and throw them off.
Lou the Seal
Many mascot’s faces are frozen in intimidating grins or wall-eyed chaos. Lou’s face is permanently stuck in an expression of pure joy and wonder. He looks like he would say “wow!!” about everything.
Look at those cute eyes!
He won his spot in this category for his adorable interview with the news, whereupon we learn that he has a big family that is very proud of him, he has underwater monitors installed outside the stadium so they can watch him perform, and that his favorite non-baseball activity is showing up for kid’s birthday parties.
Orbit
A muppet gone right, Orbit has a kind face, a great color palette, and all the charm a baseball-loving alien should. Like Dinger, I really love his tie-in to the team: he belongs to the Astros of Texas, and is space-themed to match their history with NASA. His bio tells us that his favorite dance move is the moonwalk and he dislikes evil emperors. (me too, Orbit.)
I can’t really explain what makes me like Orbit so much, because he has several traits that unsettle me about other mascots. But for some reason, I just like this guy.
Clutch the Bear
Much like Lou, Clutch has a kind and wondrous expression. Even while doing acrobatics, he just seems filled with awe at the world around him. He is non-threatening, bouncy, and simple.
No backstory that I could find, I really don’t have anything else to add other than “cute!”
Benny the Bull
A bright red bull should be scary, but instead Benny looks happy and fun. Maybe it’s the fact that his name is Benny, or maybe it’s his big eyes, but I trust Benny with my life.
He’s the first-ever NBA mascot, and looks great for how long he’s been on the court. The most delightful fact about Benny is that being the Bulls mascot is a family business, and sometimes members of his family (including his mother!) will come to the stadium to perform.
Good for her.
The End
There are literally hundreds of mascots, and so many incredible, creepy, or just plain odd ones I didn’t talk about for the sake of my sanity. I highly recommend the Mascot Hall of Fame for your own searching!
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