College Moment

I don’t think it’s a secret that college hasn’t been super great for me so far. I mean, like, the majority of it is fine, which is to say that the assignments aren’t too hard. I’d go as far as to say that I genuinely like and enjoy my dinosaur class. No lies there!

The main issue is that, by the magic of being a pre-major instead of a guaranteed major, every time I go to my animation classes I’m hit with this horribly painful ache of just how badly I want this. And the problem with the animation major is that it is HARD to get into. So, that’s stressful.

The other thing is just that I’m bummed that Reese came home and now everyone is getting to be there for all the movies he wanted to watch, and hang out with him at home, and show him what they’ve been up to, and I just…haven’t.

I’m at home now as I type this. I don’t know. The truth is, I’ve been very lonely, disconnected, and generally out of sorts since college started. I said I had a poem in me—and I do, I’m sure, it’s just not here yet—but I think it’s also just that sort of very human kind of poetry, which is that melancholic feeling you get when you try to overcomplicate big emotions instead of letting them be big and simple.

This is all to say, we finished watching Encanto and eating pizza, and then I went to the bathroom, locked the door, and silently cried my eyes out for probably five or ten minutes straight. It was one of those ouchy, chest-constricting cries. I didn’t want to make any sound about it because I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, because hey did you know that not only do I need attention to thrive, I also can’t for the life of me figure out to do with myself once I have it? So. That was a little embarrassing. Well, that’s not the right word. I’m not embarrassed that I needed to cry, that happens sometimes.

I think it was more of an embarrassment where I talk myself up to be this unstoppable force of nature (and I am!), but I forget that even the terminator gets like half its face ripped off getting where it needs to go. The sucky stuff is part of the process. I can’t waltz my way through and then say it amounted to anything.

But yeah. I’m still working for what I want, still trying to balance college with getting to see my family, and apparently, my tear ducts are still in working order. That’s cool.

I think The Mountain Goats said it best: “I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me!”

November 3, 2023