If I made an invention
to work and play
and stand at attention
and do what I say
it would be a robot
named Rumble Ray.

The first one failed
and so did number two,
but three was perfect
and could play kazoo!
It did all the things
I wanted it to do!

It even cleaned my room
this fast —
ZOOM!

Adrienne and her sister Elaine were busily shopping at Target while I was on kid duty. I had Reese (4) and Anna (1) in one of those carts with the dual kids seat attachment on the back. We played lots of games, but mostly, as Reese put it, “Run and wiggle the cart back and forth really fast but be careful not to hit the people!”

Those of you that were in Target that night running for your lives from an out of control cart full of laughing kids, that was me, and I apologize.

After that game we played the Space Ship Game, where the shopping cart became our rocket and we would go on space walks around the store.

Those of you that were in target laughing your head off at the guy walking around in slow-motion with his arms out like he was floating in space, that was me, and I apologize.

After that game Reese got bored and came up with a new game. I was standing holding the handle of the cart with Reese directly in front of me in the little kid seat. I looked down and I saw Reese apparently thinking deeply about something. I didn’t have much time to wonder what he was thinking about before he let lose with a beautiful right jab right to my groin.

It was just two days earlier that I was changing Anna’s diaper and she kicked me in the groin so hard that I was instantly dropped to me knees. Reese was apparently fascinated by this reaction, and being a good little scientist, wanted to see if he could replicate the results. His experiment was a success.

Those of you that were in Target wondering why the grown man was squealing, “Why did you do that?!”, that was me, and I apologize.

PS – This is the sixth mention of the word groin on my site. When I hit ten I predict a book deal, or at least a spot on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

PPS – Dad, I know you hate it when I write crass things like this, but at least I resisted any puns about the scientific method and “reproducibility”.

My twin brother Joe has been trying to convince me to go into business with him. We were chatting about it and I had to walk away from my computer for a while. He continued messaging me while I was gone and this is what I returned to find:

that’s why you want to do business with me josh

the people will love us

we may inadvertently end up running a small country

and not even know it

we’ll just check our tax status and find out we are exempt due to the religious following we have acquired

kittens will follow us through the streets and hobos will pour a bit of their 40’s out for us around their flaming trash barrels

children will find our faces in the stars at night

and migrant laborers will sing songs of our exploits in their native tongues as they pick strawberries

drinks will be named after us

as will aircraft carriers

birds will practice new songs to sing as we walk by

and squirrels will bring us their stores of nuts and leave them at our doorstep

can you not see that you need to go into business with me?

can you not see that we will rock the world?

“the Penrod twins are tall and thin. I caught a glimpse of them the other day. I wept as they passed and tipped my glass and sang please, please don’t walk away!”

that was an Irish drinking song that will be written about us

are you unconscious? Sometimes that happens if I don’t keep my skills on “low”

sorry about that

when you wake up you will feel rested and have a pleasant taste in your mouth.

That is also a side effect of my sales pitch

it will pass in a few minutes (as much as you might hope it won’t)