I Decree
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Anyone who works insanely long hours may no longer wear the fact like a badge of honor. They must instead preface any discussion of their extremely long hours with, “I am a chump.” For example, “I am such a chump! I was at work until midnight last night.”
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I should be able to hear the subtle noise of fingers sliding on guitar strings in more songs.
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While I am talking about working late and songs, Josh Callaway and I shouldn’t have to be in the office at midnight, like chumps, to be able to blast our music as we work. Don’t get me wrong, I am not decreeing that anyone else in my office be given this privilege, just Josh C. and me.
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Anyone who sends spam, through email or by commenting on a website, should be kicked in the groin until unconscious.
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EVERYONE in the world should educate themselves about what spam is, and how to recognize it. Anyone who buys from spam should be kicked in the groin until unconscious for making spamming a profitable business practice.
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My hair should NEVER rub the roof of any car, no matter how compact, that drives me nuts!
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I should be able to wear this mustache to work without everyone who talks to me laughing their heads off. OK, that isn’t fair, I was laughing my head off too.
I would decree more, but I am too tired. Feel free to make your own decrees in the comments.
I have lots of stuff to write, and lots of half-written stuff, but I have been working like a chump for too long. I have reached burnout stage again. A couple of days ago I was sitting at work thinking, “Man, I need a vacation! I just want to get into the car and drive!” I had a weird feeling of deja vu and found that it was almost exactly a year ago today that I wrote California Stars.
I decree that Josh Penrod and family take that much need vacation. Let’s see California Stars II
I decree he turn in his chump badge to the next hirling available.
I decree that Josh Penrod continue to write witty banter for all the world to read and enjoy.
I decree that once said spammers awake from unconsciousness, they be wacked over the head one more time for good measure!
I decree that the weekends not be limited to two days. It could be six weekend days and one weekday. Monday and Friday would thereby be the same day!
I decree that my business be high paying and that my business fulfill my dream of me doing nothing all the time.
I decree that Josh be promoted to Captain of the traveling ship S.S. Get My Butt in Gear and get his fanny (and family) down to California for a visit. WE’RE WAITING!!
I decree that GI Joe and Big Jim participate in a caged death match to settle the matter of who is Mas Macho once and for all.
I decree that Josh shave his mustache in the Hitler style–and keep it that way through Sunday afternoon.
I decree that my list of decrees be placed high on the Amishrobot priority list.
Two words: Porn star.
Six days shalt thou rest from your labors, but on the seventh you should get some usability testing done, even if it requires you to work until midnight. Hey you have 6 days to recoup!
I decree that said spammers should be awakened with smelling salts and kicked in the groin until unconscious again. Repeat if desired.
I decree that a new circle be built into hell to include spammers. And RIAA lawyers and execs. Punishment would consist of receiving generous kicks to the groin, in perpetuity. Minus the unconscious part.
I decree clocks should only be moved backwards in April and October. Spring backwards and Fall backwards!
I decree that people who display underwear parts or butt crack be given mandatory wedgies until they stop. Afterwards their wardrobes should be ransacked and low-riding pants replaced with elastic pants that come up to their nipples.
I decree that War be replaced with MTV-style Political Leader Celebrity Deathmatches. (Though this might result in Jesse Ventura, Arnold Schwartzeneggar, or Madeleine Albright as President.)
I decree that I’m going to sleep now…zzzzZZZZZ
I decree that the show 24 should be shown in 24 consecutive hours as making someone wait a week is inhumane. In fact, all television should be a continuous loop of 24, scrubs, and maybe that new office show.
I also decree that my daughter shall no longer refer to our backyard swingset/slide thingy as “the park”, leading to mass confusion in the house when she asks me to go to “the park” after I get home and me (not realizing she is referring to our backyard) responding that it is too far away.
I decree that before they learn to walk or talk children should learn how to change their own diapers.
I decree that American Idol’s format should be switched to America voting on its favorite form of diety made of some sort of precious metal, either that or change the name of the show to American Douchebag.
I decree that student loan debt repayment should be voluntary.
I decree that as soon as the veil is broken the first item on the agenda is to find a way to realease a new elliott smith album.
I decree that my decrees shall supercede all other decrees. Triple-stamped, no erasees.
man, I tried for a mustache like that about 3 years ago. First I didn’t shave for about a week. When I finally shaved I left the stache and came home from work my wife was like, what are you doing? I thought that everyone would get used to it, but they wouldn’t, it was like they refused. And badgered me until I took it off. My dad took it out in photoshop when we had a family picture done, I was so upset.
After reading all this I Believe that Luther had it right about “decretals.”
My dad had a mustache like that, except his handlebars were longer. Heheheh. Dad says that he had that mustache because of work – he’s a mechanical engineer.
I decree that all desks be made at keyboard height.