Evolutionary Failure Part II
I already knew, that to some degree, I am an Evolutionary Failure, but this trip reinforced that.
I got sunburned in Wales.
No, I didn’t think it was possible either, but I pulled it off. I looked in the mirror after a day of hiking and my face and neck were burned. When I woke up the next morning there was a note on my pillow:
Dear Joshua,
Look, lets just be honest with ourselves, this isn’t working out. We’ve really tried, but after yesterday’s little display it is clear that you can’t live here anymore.
I am sorry to trouble you with this, but Natural Selection and I are going to have to do something about this. Sunburned in Wales?! This can’t continue.
Sincerely,
The Earth
Josh! That’s just ridiculous. Somehow the whole country has managed to stay blisffully pasty and you go and screw it up! Glad your back! Super jealous of your trip, though.
At least the earth was specific and detailed, and prefaced with an apology; not like the message Earth left me:
Dear Dave,
You suck at everything.
Sincerely, The Earth.
it just means the Sun likes you. like when boys pull girl’s pigtails. did you ever get a gmail account? let me know if didn’t.
maybe you’re not an evolutionary failure, but the next great step for humankind.
maybe you could sell your genetic material to brits so that they at least their children can grow up to be tan…
btw, i’m at a cybercafé in paris & would like to send you a neat postcard that made me think of amishrobot. could you email me your snailmail address? (pref. to my uci address, if you have it.) cheers!
Being in the sun is another problem for the morbidly obese. After getting over the initial shock of having to take you clothes off in public, and enduring endless scrutiny from the “slim and trim”, they actually can say with glances and not words “What the Hell were you thinking Crispy Crème, guess you don’t need a float-toy”, you have places that are constantly in shadow despite the lack in clothing. Well that gives you a two-tone look. Not really the look you are going for when you are in the sun. I swear most people will get out of the pool when fat people get in, as if the water was going to flow over the side and leave the skinnies in a cement ditch. On a side note I was in a children toy store the other day. I saw an amazing toy. It was called the pool predator. It was a rubber shark three feet in length with an inflatable bag inside. It floats just below the surface of the water with the fin sticking out. So when I am not the pool predator scaring the hell out of the children with my gargantuan size then I will release my little friend so he can terrorize them.
Dave that’s a lot like the letter I got form the earth. Check it out.
Dear Sterling,
Dave Sucks at Everything.
Sincerely, The earth
It’s nice to find out who it was talking about though.