Job Offer Imminent

Waiting for ReadyMade to reply to my latest letter. The letters are in chronological order, rather than the most recent first, as you are used to seeing in emails. Scroll down to see the latest salvo in my employment war.

—–Original Message—–
From: josh penrod

Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2001 6:17 PM
To: Subject: my confusion

Dear ReadyMade,

I looked on your website and I couldn’t find the part where you offer me a job. The “Job Offer for Josh” section should have included information describing your superiority to other dumb companies, the clever people I will be working with, and an offer of monies sufficient for my survival needs.

When can this situation be remedied?

From: ReadyMade

Date: Thu Aug 02, 2001 11:10:44 AM US/Mountain
To: josh penrod
Subject: RE: my confusion

Dearest Friend,

How could we have missed that? It’s like, everyone’s sitting around the room here, and there’s this huge white elephant in the corner, and all we can think is “don’t talk about the elephant… don’t talk about the elephant.” And of course the elephant is you, and your job with us, which we just can’t offer right now, because we want for nothing.

You could always pitch us a story, though. We like stories.

Best of luck, sailor.
The ReadyMade People

From: josh penrod

Sent: Friday, August 03, 2001 4:17 PM
To: Subject: my confusion
Dear ReadyMade People

Maybe you don’t realize the magnitude of your dilemma! I will pitch my story, not out of self-interest, but out of my concern for you, the ReadyMade people. You see, you are in the middle of a serious bout of Ironic Processing. In the famous “try not to think of a white bear” experiment, dan Wegner found that:

  • Attempts at mental control often result not only in failure but, worse, in an intensification of the very thoughts we are trying to suppress.
  • Ironic reversal – the more we try to suppress a thought, the more it plagues us.

I am sure this has equal application to white elephants, so I fear you are locked into a cycle of ironic thinking that may soon spin out of control and dominate your lives. since the only solution is for you to hire me I will try to make that easier on you by sharing my story.

The Josh Penrod Experience, or reasons why you should hire this guy

  • I graduated from BYU with a BS in psychology
  • I currently work for BYU Publications and Graphics as an information architect/ web developer/ sound engineer/ photographer
  • I have worked on websites both large and small
  • I am 6’6” tall and wear a size 14 shoe (I am told this means i will earn more money than a man of average height. Please take this into account when making me an offer)
  • I am real smart, I promise
  • I speak English, Spanish, and a secret twin language (the twin language part is a lie)
  • I am honest
  • I like to make stuff

Speaking of liking to make stuff…
Did you know:

  • Josh once made a camera dolly that ran on PVC-pipe tracks? It was used to film a tv commercial. It cost only $200 dollars and used 16 skateboard wheels.
  • Josh made a teleprompter out of $10 worth of foam-core and a piece of glass? The teleprompter was used to make a student orientation CD that went out to a couple thousand freshmen.

I can provide more details if needed. But after that fascinating glimpse into my life i am sure the offer letter is in the mail. If not, i am fully prepared to torment you with frivolous law-suits. After all, you are in California, how hard could it be to come up with one i would win? Wait, I’ve got one!

I may have to sue you for the pain and suffering caused by your Stripped Altoids™ tins. You see, I bought the tin from your site and used it to store my contact lenses. When I put my lenses in I was knocked to my knees by peppermint-flavored pain! The agony was unbearable, but since my eyes smelled minty-fresh I am only asking for $2 million instead of $3 million. I think we can all agree that fresh smelling eyes are worth a million bucks!

Hoping it doesn’t come down to law suits,

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Amishrobot is a website by Josh Penrod, a User Experience and Product guy who can't be bothered to use any of his UX knowledge on his own site. More about me